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Travel Humor

what they say on airplanes

story of how a clever flight attendant handled a difficult passenger on United Airlines

not funny, but travel stories nevertheless

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents (courtesy of my friend Phyl).  Allow me to add two of my own:

I went to a travel agent in Durham, NC to try to get a flight home after my first year of college.  The agent calmly informed me that Okinawa did not exist.  Sure enough, it was not on her map.  I had to find a larger map to convince her that it did exist and that I had spent eleven years of my life on the island.

After many years of correspondence, I finally spoke to my childhood friend Helena on the telephone.  She had settled down in Arizona after getting married and having kids.  She asked me, "Why do you always live abroad?  The only time I've been abroad was in New York City."

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,Cape Town is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?"   I said,  "No, why do you ask?"  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the  airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I  "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double- checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted  my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."  The agent was at a loss for words.   Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"   "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.  After some searching, the agent came back with,  "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and I can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."  The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"   The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"  "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"